Here comes the time

Here comes the time I face my inner demons by recounting the whole event in detail.

We were so sure we saw forever. This rock of a friendship, nothing would faze it. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” you said. “This friendship’s for life.” I said. We had big dreams, we made plans, we map out our lives. We were young, free, and ready to take on the world come what may.

As time passed, we grew. We explored uncharted territory, we crossed the line. Many lines, in fact, were crossed. Perhaps it’s true that you can’t have too much of a good thing. Walking into a relationship of a different sort only brought out more pain for the both of us. There were happy moments but what was more evident was the pain, tears, frustration, and just… being unable to easily fit in together. We didn’t see eye to eye. I was having so much difficulty trying to get to you. Little did I know that you couldn’t understand me too.

Things have started changing.

For some reason, we got to a stalemate. Both were waiting for the other to approach first. Maybe you were like me, playing out scenes of how to react, what would happen in the event that we bumped into each other on the streets one day. From someone I ache to see, you became just an ache. My heart would stop when my eyes find anyone bearing physical resemblance to you and I would avoid that stranger because I see you in my mind’s eye and I do not want to face you.

What is there to say?

The chance for reunion presents itself. It was tough the first night, having to face someone whom you now have not spoken to for a consecutive year when you have been speaking every other night in your formative years. When I do steal glances at you, I see you’ve changed. Physically, and even emotionally. I don’t bear to look at you. We make small talk. About our education, about the path ahead of us. We grow back into what we were, except I failed to protect my heart. I was the only one thinking we could, you were still using me for comfort.

The night came, when it all stripped down. I laughed at you, thinking there was a misunderstanding or that this is a joke of sorts. Your face was stoic. You confirmed you were serious. I lost my breath, not because I was taken away nor aback. It’s because I was… taken. Completely. My head started spinning and my mind had so much to process, I didn’t realize I was not breathing anymore.

Are you for real? I said. Your face remains solemn. You nod. Don’t joke I said. You don’t flinch. I sit up. I am getting giddy. The room starts spinning. Turn away I said. I change my mind. Get out I said. You start to stand. Calm down you said. How could I? HOW COULD I YOU FUCKER FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT I said. Please don’t do this you said. DON’T FUCKING TALK TO ME NOW I said. FUCK OFF I said. I jumped, gathered my stuff, and walked towards the door. I want to go home I said. I can’t stand being in that room any longer. It has too much of you in it and I can’t bear you. You drag your feet to the door. Stay you say. Don’t do this you say. I want to go home I said. Don’t you say. You better open the door now or I’ll make a racket. I do my best to reply that strongly but somehow it comes out shaky. When you finally fling the door open in one deft motion I don’t reconsider. I stomp out right away. There was one more gate to leaving. I stand at the second door, waiting. You rest your hand on the knob. Please don’t do this you said. Can we talk you said. I want to go home I repeated. You don’t move. I make my angry way towards authority. She walks out. What happened she asked. Nothing I said. It’s just me it has nothing to do with him I said. And I found my face wet.

I needed a respite. Somehow something brought me back to the very room I loathed. I shut the door behind me and I cried so hard my headache got worse. I flipped on the lights. There was a mirror before me. It was then I realized I haven’t been breathing well. My face was the palest I have ever seen in my life. It was as if all the blood had drained out of me. I now wish that blood drained you then. Perhaps it did.

I started doing things to myself. My head met the wall repeatedly with increasing impact. I cried as I did it. Just shortly after I stopped. Why the hell am I paying for someone else’s mistakes? If you hurt me you’re in the wrong but if I hurt myself, man, it’s the stupidest thing ever to do. I gather yet more stuff and stormed out of the place, and took the fastest route home.

Now that I’ve taken care of myself, my mind immediately wanders back to you. How were you doing? Would you harm yourself? What is happening to you now? Is anyone talking to you? Is anyone keeping you safe? And then I realize that all these years, I have come to idolize you so much that I place you above even me. It’s the first time I run out of the mess to place my own feelings on top of it all. I got a friend to keep tabs on you, and proceeded to heal myself. It will be you no more.

It was already 4am. I sat in the darkness, in a daze. I have never felt emptier before. I have never felt more excruciating pain. There was a hollow at where my heart used to me. I must have had no expression on my face. It was as if I was gone. I foresee dark days ahead. I would be occupied with this matter. I would not be able to eat nor sleep. How was I going to get by school. I want to crumble right there and then, into nothingness.

Perhaps it’s times like these that miracles happen and my miracle was from Jesus Himself. I come from a non-believing family but something in me gave me hope. There was something in me willing me to attend church, any church. I texted a friend, explaining I really needed to go to church because I need help. She readily agreed to bring me and told me how happy she was that I’ve finally joining her.

Since then, I’ve been attending church as much as I can (every week except when there are family/work commitments). On hindsight, it must have been Jesus calling out to me, lifting me, because I was so determined to get to church. He must have beckoned to me to receive His healing that He had specially set aside for me. I was a broken, empty, pile of mess.

I got by that week actually managing to take my meals regularly. Almost every prayer I had was answered promptly, as if the Lord was right behind me, assuring me, guiding me, lighting up the dark. I was very thankful to Jesus for taking me in and yet more thankful that my parents were chill, supportive even, of me attending church. Perhaps in me I knew that with such a devastating revelation, I needed the strongest power to come lift me and I knew I needed God. I don’t mean you were my God before but you were after all close to my everything and now my everything was nothing. God filled me now.

Today I am more thankful than ever for everything the Lord has blessed me with. I have found a new lease of life. I’m happier, more positive, more careful, and there is a glow emanating from within. I don’t mean beauty I mean… a healthy, cheery glow. I know that this is the work of my Lord Jesus who saved me, who saved my life. I might have done something worse to myself in that room had He not spoke to me that I have no reason to pay for the mistakes of another and that would just result in something unthinkable.

Here comes the time I tell myself to finally let go and walk away from you and accept that we’re greater this way, out of each other’s lives. Here comes the time I’m again reminded of Jesus’s love for me. Here comes the time that I’m grateful for all I have in my life now.

Here comes the time I live for Jesus, because my life was saved by Him.

May 9 ·01:58pm

Apr 26 ·08:22am

Apr 26 ·08:12am

Apr 26 ·08:11am

savedbyahweh:

Because of God I am…

God has made me so many things, that it won’t even fit in one single post. Father, thank You so much for all that You have done for me!

Apr 26 ·08:09am

thecakebar:

this is brilliant

truebluemeandyou:

DIY Pinata Cookies for Cinco de Mayo. I love the clever design of these cookies. Recipe and how-to from She Knows here.

THIS IS TOO CLEVER

Apr 26 ·08:07am